The danger of saying things like this to our kids.
Have you ever been told something like this?
“You're getting angry again just like your dad.”
“You're sensitive just like your mom.”
“Don’t be like your mom.” Or “don’t be like your dad.”
Why do we say things like this:
The spouse that says this often has some form of hurt or loneliness, whether acknowledged or not, with the other spouse.
When we aren’t actively working through this layer of pain, with our spouse or a counselor, it simmers in our subconscious brain and impacts the way we interact with our children. Therefore, creating a sort of invisible triangle between us, our child, and our spouse. Not to mention the meaning that the child can make of themselves as a result of this complex dynamic. Sometimes parents overtly and intentionally do this. However, often, it happens unintentionally.
We aren’t meant to have this type of disconnection with our spouse. It’s not what we’re created for or what our hearts long for. The reality though, is it does happen. And the longer it goes unaddressed, the worse it can get.
If we aren’t working through this disconnection with our partner and/or working individually to deeply understand how it affects us and therefore how we’re responding... we will find a way to not feel lonely. We will find many ways to not be lonely.
One of those ways can look like comparing the child to the spouse we have the disconnection with. In some ways, this allows Parent A to not feel alone. (From now on, Parent A will be Claire and Parent B will be Phil - because who doesn’t love Modern Family). So, for example, Phil exhibits a behavior that is hurtful to Claire. Let's say he gets angry and expresses it in an unhealthy way by yelling at her and telling her what she does wrong all the time. And she feels like she can't express that to Phil because he will get angry and won't hear her. Then her son expresses anger, and it triggers Claire. She tells him "you're getting angry again just like your dad." She doesn't overtly say don't do that, yet the way her eyes get big and her head tilts as she says it, her son's nervous system reads that and might make up that "this is bad. I shouldn't do this. Mom doesn't like dad when he does it and I don't want her to not like me." Which, in some ways is what mom wants because she doesn't deserve to be on the receiving end of unhealthy anger.
The problem with this is her kiddo's mind isn't developed enough to discern what is driving his anger. It's not merely about the behavior. So when the anger is shut down, her kiddo begins to lock away a part of himself that is pure and genuine.
The child/adolescent in many ways is powerless in this dynamic. If Claire is comparing her child to the attributes she doesn't like in Phil, likely, that child is also experiencing disconnection with Phil. Children/adolescents need attachment for survival. To question or stand up against Claire risks that attachment. Then they would be disconnected from both parents, which isn’t good for a young system. So, they choose the false connection with Claire. I say false because their system begins to believe they have to hide parts of themselves to have connection and attachment.
This is much more about the parents, however, than it is the child’s behavior. To be frank, it’s about the parent's inability, or unwillingness, to work through their relational issues without bringing the child/adolescent into their cycle of dysfunction.
The other danger:
It creates an unhealthy narrative in the child/adolescent's mind that anger isn’t okay. Because when mom says “you’re getting angry again just like your dad,” the child/adolescent system picks up on mom's nonverbals - her facial expression and tone. Even though she thinks she’s merely correcting behavior, they are picking up on the disdain in her voice (which is geared toward dad). So they associate anger with wrong and shame. If you’re reading this and thinking, yes, it is wrong and shameful then that will have to be addressed in a whole separate post :)
This dynamic also opens the likely potential for Claire to shape her kiddo's view of Phil through her filter of hurt and loneliness. Rather than focusing on how the child herself is experiencing relationship with Phil, the child can develop a skewed perspective of Phil. Because it isn’t primarily shaped by how she experiences dad, but by how mom does.
The child needs a safe space to work through this and be honest about it without the threat of risking the attachment. Mom and dad might need extra help, like couples counseling, to work through how what is happening between them might be affecting their kids. Even if they have the best intentions, this can still happen. I don't intentionally set out to hurt my wife with something I say. In fact, most of the time I'm overly cautious because I don't want to hurt her. Yet... I still do. It's the reality of the relationship.
I've intentionally said child/adolescents throughout this letter because whether you have a little or a teenager, they are not responsible for the relational dynamics between mom and dad. It's too much for them and it's not meant for them. Trying to make sense of what is happening in their own body, mind, and social circles is hard enough. Imagine an undeveloped brain feeling the weight of responsibility for either parent's emotional distress. Not to mention that the kiddo is likely unaware that this dynamic is happening within them. Then, wonder why they act out behaviorally.
Some things I feel the need to name, although I can't go in-depth because this is already long enough of a letter.
This is not a claim that all behavior by children is the parent's fault. Kids have responsibility for their choices, especially the older they get. I am saying that we must always be curious about how our dynamics, as adults, might be impacting the kids in ways they wouldn't even know.
I recognize that some relationships between parents are abusive, overt, complicated, and more difficult than words can explain. Maybe even leaving one parent feeling powerless over/under the other. Thus, making this dynamic with their child happen that much more subtle and not intentional.
I think in most cases, this type of enmeshment that happens between parent-child is unintentional. I believe most parents don't want their children to feel this responsibility. That also doesn't negate it from happening. My desire is never to hurt my wife, yet I do. I must acknowledge that and work through whatever comes up in me that wants to be defensive or minimize her experience.
Please, if this stirs up questions or experiences, I'd love to hear from you.